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59、A Ball to Roll Around 滚 球

◎ Robert G. Allman


I lost my sight when I was four years old by falling off a box car in a freight yard in Atlantic City and landing on my head. Now I am thirty two. I can vaguely remember the brightness of sunshine and what color red is. It would be wonderful to see again, but a calamity can do strange things to people. It occurred to me the other day that I might not have come to love life as I do if I hadn’t been blind. I believe in life now. I am not so sure that I would have believed it so deeply, otherwise. I don’t mean that I would prefer to go without my eyes. I simply mean that the loss of them made me appreciate the more what I had left.


Life, I believe, asks a continuous series of adjustments to reality. The more readily a person is able to make these adjustments, the more meaningful his own private world becomes. The adjustment is never easy. I was bewildered and afraid. But I was lucky. My parents and my teachers saw something in me—a potential to live, you might call it—which I didn’t see, and they made me want to fight it out with blindness.


The hardest lesson I had to learn was to believe in myself. That was basic. If I hadn’t been able to do that, I would have collapsed and become a chair rocker on the front porch for the rest of my life. When I say belief in myself I am not talking about simply the kind of self-confidence that helps me down an unfamiliar staircase alone. That is part of it. But I mean something bigger than that: an assurance that I am, despite imperfections, a real, positive person; that somewhere in the sweeping, intricate pattern of people there is a special place where I can make myself fit.


It took my years to discover and strengthen this assurance. It had to start with the most elementary things. Once a man gave me an indoor baseball. I thought he was mocking me and I was hurt. “I can’t use this.” I said. “Take it with you,” he urged me, “and roll it around.” The words stuck in my head. “Roll it around!” By rolling the ball I could hear where it went. This gave me an idea how to achieve a goal I had thought impossible: playing baseball. At Philadelphia’s Overbrook School for the Blind I invented a successful variation of baseball. We call it ground ball. We called it ground ball.


All my life I have set ahead of me a series of goals and then tried to reach them, one at a time. I had to learn my limitations. It was no good to try for something I knew at the start was wildly out of reach because that only invited the bitterness of failure. I would fail sometimes anyway but on the average I made progress.


4岁时,在亚特兰大城,我从货场一辆货车上摔下来撞到头,不幸双目失明。如今,我已经32岁,但是我还依稀记得阳光的明媚,七彩的色泽。若是双眼有幸能够复明,那该多么美好!不过,灾难的确可以赐予人神奇的力量。若是没有失明,我大概不会像现在这样热爱生活,也无法确定能否像现在这样感情强烈。我并不是说我情愿过着这样失去阳光的生活,而是说,正是因为失去才更让我懂得珍惜现在所拥有的一切。


我相信生活是需要不断与现实协调的。一个人越是有能力充分把握好调节的步伐,那么,他的生命将越有意义。但是,这种调节绝非易事。我曾一度迷茫害怕,幸运的是,我的父母和老师看到了我生活下去的潜能,一种我起初并没有发觉,但是的确激起我继续斗争生存下去的信念。


最难的课程便是我必须学会相信自己!这也是基础。如果不能做到这点,我将崩溃,从此变成一个轮椅主人,待在门廊前,度过我的余生。当我说我相信自己,并不仅仅指自信可以帮助我一个人从陌生的楼梯走下来。虽然这只是其中的一部分。我所指的是更大的帮助:即使身体有缺陷,我仍然是一个真正积极的人;即使在这个复杂、动荡的人际环境中,我仍然有自己创造的特殊的位置。


我花了很多年的时间发现并坚定这种信念。这必须从最基本的小事做起。有一次,一个人给了我一个室内棒球,我内心受到极大伤害,认为他只是在嘲笑我,因为我并不能玩它。


“拿起它,然后滚。”


这些话环绕在我耳际:“滚它!”


因为球在地上滚动,我能听见它的声响,得知它的去向。这让我想起一个从未想过的主意:打棒球。在费城的奥福布鲁克盲人学校,我发明了一种受欢迎的棒球游戏:我们称之为地面球。


一生中,我不断为自己设立目标,并且尽力去完成。我必须知道自己的缺陷。尝试那些开始就知道不可能的事情并没有任何益处,因为那只能带来盲目的失败。但有些时候,我可能会失败,不过,不管结果如何,这种挑战让我一直成长。

 


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