◎ Sarah Anne

How we see our partners often depends more on how we are than how they are. Husbands and wives are not audience, but participant observers in each other’s lives.

“Before we were married, my husband was a caring, energetic man,” a wife once told me. “He couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me. Since we’ve been married, he’s become a couch potato and watches ball games more than he watches me. He’s gone from stud to spud.”

“Very funny,” answered the husband. “But have you looked at yourself lately? When we got married, you were beautiful. Now you wear that old robe. If I’ve gone from stud to spud, then you’ve gone from doll to drudge.”

This hurtful, infantile argument illustrates how spouses, instead of looking for love, may look for flaws. It is a way of seeing.

Author Judith Viorst once wrote, “Infatuation is when you think he’s as gorgeous as Robert Redford, as pure as Solzhenitsyn, as funny as Woody Allen, as athletic as Jimmy Connors, and as smart as Albert Einstein. Love is when you realize he’s as gorgeous as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Solzhenitsyn, as athletic as Albert Einstein, and nothing like Robert Redford in any category——but you’ll take him anyway.”

This law of lasting love instructs us to look with instead of for love.

我们如何看待自己的伴侣往往更多地取决于我们自己怎么样，而不是对方怎么样。丈夫和妻子都不是观众，而是参与到对方生活里的观察者。

一位妻子曾对我说：“结婚前，我丈夫是一个体贴、精力充沛的人，好像没法将他的手从我身上拿开。在我们结婚后，他变成了一个懒蛋，看球赛远远多过看我。他从猛男变成了‘懒蛋’。”

“真有意思，”她丈夫回答道，“不过你有没有瞧瞧最近你自己是啥模样？我们结婚的时候，你很美。现在你穿的是破旧的睡袍。如果说我从猛男变成了懒蛋，那你就是从美女变成了苦工。”

这种互相伤害又带有孩子气的争吵清楚地说明夫妻如何互相挑毛病，而不是在寻找爱。这就是一种看法。

作家朱迪斯·厄斯特曾写道：“当你认为他像罗伯特·雷德福一样仪表堂堂，像索尔仁尼琴一样心地纯洁，像伍迪·艾伦一样言谈风趣，像吉米·康纳斯一样身体矫健，像阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦一样头脑聪明，那你就被爱冲昏了头脑。当你认识到他在长相方面像伍迪·艾伦，头脑方面像吉米·康纳斯，言谈方面像索尔仁尼琴，身体方面像阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦，无论在哪一方面都不像罗伯特·雷德福——但你却偏偏要嫁给他，这才是真正的爱。”

持久爱情的这一法则教导我们，要用充满爱意的眼神去看自己的伴侣，而不是用寻找爱的眼神去看对方。